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December 26 Life in NUSIt was quite a long time, approximately half a year since my last entry at home before coming to NUS. I ponder, what made me abandon this application which seems to be quite important to me. Yes, I'm crying while I starting to write something here now, yes now. It is the similar feeling that once I wrote about the STPM result and the offer of IPTA. Nope, it's just gross similar but not the same. The reason of crying? I can hardly tell, but, I can feel the pain deep inside my heart. My result of the first semester in NUS is terribly bad, which had been expected since the starting of school. But, why still feel hurt? Am I really crazy to make myself more and more jobs or to expect something really predictably cannot be achieved at the first round of test? Why am I foolish? It seems like I'm putting a lot of burdens on my own shoulders and blaming this on my innocent philosophy of keep telling that "The future is full of promise for those who shows initiative." Being selected into NUS, then into Eusoff Hall were something that quite amazing. I appreciate all the helping hands from seniors and friends here. It is an enjoyable and unforgettable experience to stay in hall, which was to be my second home since long time ago. I love the environment around, hustle and bustle of daily life, hectic and intensive homework, reluctance and gullibility in learning German, procrastination in all the house chores during the great weekends, facilities provided in labs and in campus, etc. I love them. I tried my best to plant them into my memory, I would want to have them all lasting forever. Can I? I just wonder, there is nothing in this world called "Getting all you can have". I feel regretted, maybe. How am I uncertain and being ambiguous! At the moment I stepped into the examination hall, I felt contented with the effort that I had paid, I kept telling myself that I will be "good-treated" and feel no regrets, no matter the results will be bad. But, once I screened through the papers and started to scramble, sorting the complicated sequence of answers appeared in my mind, I felt disappointed and inferior. I realized that I am stupid. I started to regret. Feeling regretted for everything I had done and plan to be done. Why am I here? I should not be here. Encouragement doesn't seem to be a source of motivation for me. What I need, is time. I hope, I will be calm after this. July 04 An Early Birthday Wish for Dad16th July is the first stay in NUS, but, it is my dad's birthday too. I can guess this will be the first time that I'm unable to celebrate a birthday with him. What a sad thing! Anyway, a very early best wish for my lovely Papa...Happy Birthday! My Papa is one of the eleven children in his family, whose dad, or my grandpa is a rubber tapper, and my grandma is a full-timed devoted housewife. He came from a very limited education background but had never given up to pursue his studies. During the end of his secondary school life, he finally got the LLN Scholarship and was being offered to further study at Kuantan Polytechnique. There, started his new journey of a brand-new life. Papa and I are close as there's a bond of blood and also common in thought. Every parent teaches child with cane as most of them will hold a perspective that "spare the rod and spoil the kids". However, he had never used a cane even he was frustrated indeed. Still, I remember that he would only use some newspapers or more familiar with, was a thick dictionary, guess what? Yes, he would just throw at me with that stuff. The way he nurturing me didn't irritate me, make me dislike, but it was sometimes hamper my lovely mood at that moment. Moreover, I'm more interested to dad's guidance. He is always playful and comes with a sense of humour as he likes to tell some jokes and verbalizes with a dozen of ideas to trick people at anytime. This is why the neighbours' kids are always be the victims of his trick and yet seemed to be drawn to my dad. Papa likes to cheer me up by switching the TV programme to comedy series. He loves to make his speech long whenever there's a "need". He said, "There are thousand of troubles and challenges in life, but we need to overcome those obstacles as it's the sole responsibility of human to be advanced." For me, it is a habit or much likely an aptitude to lodge complaints to Papa. He listens to my complaint, grievance and sadness quietly and never gives much arguments or explanations for that dissatisfaction of mine as he knows that his daughter will never accept a single word when I'm in trouble. When I was studying lower form, I was really in confusion with my studies. I easily got to understand something normally, but, I would just twist or add-in my "supposed-to-be" ideas, causing my writing subjects were not as excellent as the other top-scorers. "Don't let yourself be the fool who tries so hard to climb off the window, yet the main door was not locked", Papa's advice was wandering in my mind for moments. Papa is ambitious and has foresight in various cases. He said to me, "Don't take anything as granted, but, we can still dream of our future as it's a step to achieve it." He likes to share with me his "kampong boy" memory, his experiences at several levels of his development of life, furthermore, his perspective of life in future. He always dreams of owning a cottage which is built a bungalow on the hill and he wants to grow fruit trees during his retirement. I understand that he is innocent and pure as his plan for future will not be alike as the others, what he wishes to have is freedom and tranquility. He has never asked more than that. Besides, dad encourages me to expose myself to nature which is so magnificent and finely created in order to include all the living things. Sometimes, I also feel that I am bearing the responsibility to let my dad have them all, whether a sedate kampong-life or a luxurious living style. Therefore, I need to work hard for it as he needs it. Papa is a dedicated and loving dad. He loves his kids, wife, the whole family and even our home. During meantime, he likes to decorate and clean our home with his distinct, creative ideas. He did mentioned, "home is the only place where we can treat it as shelter during wars, a place where we can totally be comforted, relieved and relaxed." Although he keeps giving his children an expression of delight and happy, he still has his dilemma in many situations. Once, I overheard his conversation with my mum that, if his daughter needs fund in continuing study, they will have to sort it out to collect those expenses for me. Upon my notice, these few years, he started to run for the night-shift task. He convinced me that no matter how, he is still expecting me to be graduated and able in achieving my goal in life. His sacrifice really causes me to pull my socks up and double my effort to be success in any co-curricular activities, studies and my duty as a lovable and understanding daughter. "I don't want to disappoint my Papa," that is what I repeatedly reminding myself. I love you!
June 20 The Unfairness "It's UNEXPECTED!" This was what came in my first thought when I saw the wording "SAINS KOMPUTER - Universiti Teknikal Malaysia Melaka (UTem). What the hell is it? Although, I had made a choice since last month and hoped that I will feel glad with my own decision, I still came with the sense of Ministry of Higher Education of Malaysia would offer me a "quite good" place in any local university which is prominent in Malaysia. However, my so-called "expectation" came with surprisingly "funny" outcome. It's terrible for me and none of my relatives and friends believe that. I eventually threw some queries and suspect on my result, "Does the MOE really judge my application based on my achievement in academic?". Or, they will officially endorse a statement in a media report stating that co-curricular point is another criterion for admission of university. But, what if an applicant with good grade of academic result and in addition owns a A-grade in CCA? Are they able to answer such queries?
Actually, I don't have the intention to study here. But, the offer given to me symbolizes a rejection, yet a discrimination. They seemingly do not appreciate me and my own achievement. They will just bring shame on themselves, declaring the fairness from the start, creating more and more criteria on the basis of producing more and more versatile students. All are tricks, if the tranparency is doubted. Then, what is the importance of having such prerequisites as there are criticisms and doubts coming from public? It's insignificant. Maybe, this is what they always mention for getting something "special" for those are "special". And, I insist that I don't want to make an appeal as I'm not the "special one" for them. Yet, I believe that I will be better in some where else. A kudos for me! May 31 Motivation From Anyone? There's quite a long period before getting a settlement in my further studies. It's however being decided, planned, drafted for long, I still don't encounter any emotional fluctuation for now on. I'm puzzled by this kind of feeling. Am I really prepared for the cultural shock, or I had been destined to be in the lower-ranked category which makes me feel too comfortable with nothing is going to be done with me? I realize that I had been slackened off myself most of the time. The initiative of learning something brand new had already faded. It's not the lifestyle that I should own and yet I want. But, why? What's going on with me? Those newspaper articles which I collected before are like a stake of papers which worth not a penny for me now. They were found intriguing during the past, but not now. "Global warming", "Pollution", "Cancerous Cells", "Radiotherapy"...these were my favourites. However, in present, I need a few days to finish reading a short article and completely indulge myself in it. It's shameful! I can't even blame with the busy daily-working life and physically exhaustion after back from work. Those are unreasonable and lame excuses. I wonder that there's someone tap on my shoulder and tell me not to give up or give me stern warnings with hostility. But, I know it's useless. Motivation comes from own mean. I do believe. I just want the sedantary lifestyle to be demolished and wish for another yield of achievement. I will try my best! May 21 Kudos for My Dear NUS Seniors It's my pleasure getting know with you all. You always give me support and guidance when i was too ignorant and confused with all those small and undefined matters. Lending a hand to others is not a tough job to be done, but there is someone who doesn't spare empathy on the needy. You guys let me realised that there's still a group of people would rather spend time on explaining to the irritating, foolish problematic little junior, like me. I never heard words from you expressing that i'm fussy or troublesome, and i never had a sense from you that you are annoyed by my questions. Thank you very much! I'm full with gratitude and some sorts of apology as I'm topping-up your troubles. It's no repayment for your kindness and i will just do the same thing to my friends and juniors in future. I promise! May 17 A Great Relief That call to Registrar's Office is matches in the dark, a cup of H2O under the scorchful sun, a bowl of hot creamy cheese soup during winter...How wonderful it is when i heard the words came from the officer that I can make my amendment with my Form A via email and they will consider the latest correction of it! I guess that there's some kinds of extraordinary power which guides me and enlightens me in doing all those stuff to amend the mistake that i have done. It sounds exaggerated, well...I'm too happy with that and feel that I'm lucky. Thanks for the chance given. I promise, I will not do anything foolish in future and just stick to the ground. I will... May 15 I'm very confused... I feel very confused and preoccupied with many things around me. What had happen with me? Am i too childish and ignorant to take all the risk with myself? Or is due to my "self-highly-estimated" attitude that all the things will be solved by my mean? Is that possible? It's not, i'm too arrogant. Now only i realized my mistake in some of the forms submission, any chance for me to do the amendment? Who can help me? May 08 An Effort For Better Future QUALIFYING ENGLISH TEST (QET)...19th July...International students with their own General Paper in other language except English, are required to sit for this test. Before knowing the terms and conditions, for me, such test is mainly designed for those students who are weak in English and own a lackness in English proficiency. But, it's not that kind of matter. I need to have it instead, or i will sit for it.
Oh my God, i wonder how my English is getting down the hill since i didn't have the intention or even motivation of myself to hold an English novel in my hands. My terrible uncertainty and insecureness of being categorized as "weak-in-English chinese people" is driving me to crazy...not yet, just be depressed.
During the year of 2005, it was my lower-sixth form, i took a gamble to try for the "Malaysians' recommended as nationwide-recognised English test"--MUET (Malaysia Universities English Test). Fortunately, i got a quite good band as Band5, it made me felt contented with that so-so level of my English. Yes, at that time, i was surprised with that kind of easiness of getting good grade. Is MUET a definition for English standard? Now, i can say it's not. A Band5 student should not have any difficulties in pronunciation of words even those words are never being seen before, and, will have no problem with vocabulary, yet must not be ambiguous in understanding any phrases. But, all these happen on me, am i really a Band5 achiever? Sometimes, i will think of it many times as possible, keep on asking myself, in what way should i need to improve my language usage, improvise the learning methods? Is that my arrogance impoverish my learning attitude?
I should make use of this moment to enrich my knowledge and hope there's somebody who is willing to enlighten me. May 06 Disaster or Hope During afternoon, i was elicited by some phrases of words appeared in tv brief intro of a programme. "A siren...A sign of disaster...A sign of hope." Although it's just a simple sentence, i can feel the deepest mean of such message to be broadcasted. It made me ponder for a few minutes...
During my secondary studies, i was the student who would normally choose the seat near the windows, not just bcos i can grab the chance to view the scenic environment around my school compound or stay away from teachers' attentive eyes...actually, i prefered to feel the fresh air around me. But, my attention on certain topics of teaching would sometimes b disturbed or can be said greatly interrupted by those "bi...boo...bi...boo...." ,siren of ambulances. I still remember, at the moment, i would close my eyes n pray for the person lying on the stretcher in that passing-by ambulance. This was done under a very natural circumstance, i would do that on the time of hearing siren.
I wonder that, it's the hope...the only hope for a sick, injured or a person who's walking in the frontline of fighting with death. It's a sign of hope, although it's just slim and mayb it's helpless. Sometimes, i can't make myself to think of people dying in ambulance which is driven on the way to a place to heal. It's cruel to hav such thought. But, for the person who is there, he will definitely feel the peace and tranquility as he realizes that he is not alone to fight with death n is accompanied by a group of medical specialists in reaching hospital in a short time.
But, in contrary, some people will undergo a phobia condition as mayb they once experienced losing their loved before the ambulance successfully sending them to hospital or just before the siren was heard. Some of them can feel the fear n panic deep inside their heart once a siren is heard, they wonder if there's another left his beloved parents, kids or friends.
I choose to believe that, a siren is a sign of hope, a sign of rebirth, a sign of regain the lost. May 05 A Decision To Be Made "Fen...going 2 Singapore is better than staying in Malaysia. U should go for it!", "Hey, congratulations! Not everyone can get Singapore universities offer.", I heard it from many people and i'm used to their reactions when my parents proudly answered them as they will normally "insert" some questions about my future plan and studies after STPM in their informal conversation. But, there's some people who will give another "weird" responses..."Huh?!! What NUS and NTU? Y never heard b4?", "Y don't u wait 4 Malaysia government universities? Isn't that UM good?"...Sometimes, i was puzzled by those "aunties and uncles' " questions. How should i tell them? Directly tell them that i'm not confident with our country education system, or i should say that my result was not that kind of "good" to secure a prominent place in local universities? I'm in conflict. We can't explain or even say it out loud that what's the problem that a chinese STPM holder will b encountered.
Since i got the chance for me to abandon such dilemma, i'm glad. Firstly, i was so happy that i got the offer from NTU. It made me indulged in a world of happiness, but, due to its brief acceptance-considering-period, i got myself in trouble again as i wish that i could get the admission outcome of NUS b4 the deadline. As saying goes, human is the most greedy creature on earth, i strongly agree. Luckily, everything was smooth in progress, i got the offer of NUS in the next week. Thanks God!!! I feel that i'm the luckiest people!
At that moment, i realised how tough 4 a person to make a decision. It's not only buying garlic or onion in wetmarket, it's a choice that will lead to my 40 yrs life in future, mayb...Still now, i can't predict or frankly tell that is it a good decision, but, i know it's worth to b chosen. |
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