It was quite a long time, approximately half a year since my last entry at home before coming to NUS. I ponder, what made me abandon this application which seems to be quite important to me. Yes, I'm crying while I starting to write something here now, yes now. It is the similar feeling that once I wrote about the STPM result and the offer of IPTA. Nope, it's just gross similar but not the same. The reason of crying? I can hardly tell, but, I can feel the pain deep inside my heart.

My result of the first semester in NUS is terribly bad, which had been expected since the starting of school. But, why still feel hurt? Am I really crazy to make myself more and more jobs or to expect something really predictably cannot be achieved at the first round of test? Why am I foolish? It seems like I'm putting a lot of burdens on my own shoulders and blaming this on my innocent philosophy of keep telling that "The future is full of promise for those who shows initiative."

Being selected into NUS, then into Eusoff Hall were something that quite amazing. I appreciate all the helping hands from seniors and friends here. It is an enjoyable and unforgettable experience to stay in hall, which was to be my second home since long time ago. I love the environment around, hustle and bustle of daily life, hectic and intensive homework, reluctance and gullibility in learning German, procrastination in all the house chores during the great weekends, facilities provided in labs and in campus, etc. I love them. I tried my best to plant them into my memory, I would want to have them all lasting forever. Can I? I just wonder, there is nothing in this world called "Getting all you can have".

I feel regretted, maybe. How am I uncertain and being ambiguous! At the moment I stepped into the examination hall, I felt contented with the effort that I had paid, I kept telling myself that I will be "good-treated" and feel no regrets, no matter the results will be bad. But, once I screened through the papers and started to scramble, sorting the complicated sequence of answers appeared in my mind, I felt disappointed and inferior. I realized that I am stupid. I started to regret. Feeling regretted for everything I had done and plan to be done. Why am I here? I should not be here.

Encouragement doesn't seem to be a source of motivation for me. What I need, is time. I hope, I will be calm after this.